Wednesday, February 4, 2015

An Open Letter to YA Authors About Sex

Wednesday, February 4, 2015
*Fair warning for my faint-of-heart readers. We're talking about sex here more than Salt-N-Pepa.*

Dear YA Authors,

Please stop making sex hurt.

That's a weird request, I know, so let me clarify what I mean a little. You know the (heterosexual) sex scenes in YA books (the ones that don't fade to black) where it's the girl's first time and it goes something like this:

I felt a sharp pain and he paused. "Are you okay?" he asked. I gritted my teeth and nodded. Eventually the pain turned into something better... later, after we were finished, I saw a red stain on his sheets and cringed.

I'm not exactly going to win the Printz here, but you get the idea.

This stereotypical sex scene bothers me for a number of reasons and in order to explain why, I'm going to break it down with some statistics (courtesy of the National Conference of State Legislatures).


1.  22 states require sex ed in public schools AND

2. Only 19 of those states actually require it to be "medically, factually or technically accurate"

That's a little scary, isn't it?

Basically, this means that a lot of teens are probably NOT getting comprehensive sex education (or any sex education at all). And while the Internet has a lot of great resources, like Scarleteen, it also has unrealistic porn and propagates a lot of myths surrounding sex. 

I'm lucky to live in a state that does require sex ed but I still got hit with some of the old standards. Especially the whole first-time-for-girls-sucks-popping-the-cherry crap. As a preteen and teen, a lot of the extraneous info I got about sex came from some of the YA books I was reading, and they confirmed what I had been taught: for heterosexual girls, sex will hurt and there will be blood and it is scary.

In reality, is this true? Kind of. My educators conveniently forgot to mention that a woman's first time only hurts if she isn't aroused and - oh yeah- there really shouldn't be any tearing going on (ow!). 

Graceling (Graceling Realm, #1)It doesn't take a Women's Studies expert to see where this myth comes from: virginity ("purity") is taken very seriously for girls in Western culture to the point where it is tied to a woman's worth. Make sex something painful and it discourages girls from participating.

Unfortunately, even my favorite feminist writers, like Kristin Cashore, have included this myth in their books (Graceling, in this case). And until I discovered Laci Green's Sex Plus channel - God bless her - I believed this myth. 

So please, YA authors, stop making sex hurt. You may have readers who learn more about sex in your novel than they do in every semester of school, so while it's not your job to be their health teacher, you can stop buying into a myth that was created to keep women "pure" and passive. 

I'm not asking you to dedicate a chapter in your books to talk about how great sex can be. I'm literally just asking that you stop making it scary.

Sincerely,
Sara

103 comments:

  1. Wow, this has actually been kind of informative for me. My last sex ed talk was last year at school and whether or not it really hurts for a girl's first time didn't come up. But I have to say that the little "excerpt" you wrote sounds a lot like books I've read so I kind of assumed it was true... which completely proves your point. Thanks for posting this :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I assumed the same thing until I found Laci Green's Sex Plus channel. Thanks for reading, Zareena! :)

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  2. :clap: Brillant and true though I want to bring something up about graceling, with some books the topic of sex has to fit the era gracling is a midevil renssioinst kings and queens and systems type of book, in those days with christanity being at its most the "purity" myth would while being wrong fit for that era

    However for urban fantasy, paranormal, contemperary and any YA taking place in the here and now (2000-now) your right they should write sex with out it being a "if your a girl it'll hurt!" mythos around it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally get what you're saying, but the purity myth is just that- a myth. So because of the time period characters might BELIEVE that until proven otherwise but it doesn't have to be confirmed as true by the text. (Hopefully that makes sense)

      Delete
  3. Hm, interesting request... We would probably amend it to "stop making sex sound so scary" instead. Because some girls will bleed, and some won't. Some will feel pain, and some won't. So it's not so much that pain or blood are myths, but rather that they are incomplete truths, and perhaps yes they are used to intimidate teens about the sexual experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's totally true! Definitely an error on my part- different girls' experiences will vary and some WILL be painful. My issue is that pain is the norm in a lot of YA lit- like you said, incomplete truths.

      Delete
  4. Wow! Yes!! Some authors (Huntley Fitzpatrick in particular) are going the safe sex route, with teens thinking about it and being prepared and getting condoms and all that. Which is smart. But sex in books shouldn't be seen as either glorified or terrifying. It needs to be...as realistic as possible. Hm. You've made some great points!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is amazing Sara, this is a topic that most people shy away from and I admire your choice of creating a blog post about sex in books. I totally agree with you on these points, especially that I'm from a Western culture and I don't think we came up with this myth, but all I've heard and read portrayed sex as a painful thing.. This is so true. I loved this :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is an interesting blog post and congrats on getting the topic out there. As an adult YA reader I would like to see sex written in a responsible way. The pain issue varies on the people involved. It hurts for some and there is bleeding. Virginity and the blood issue is not Western at all. It comes from the Bible and Eastern cultures. Still today when a middle eastern woman gets married if she does not produce blood on a white handkerchief see is unclean and can be left by her groom. Great topic of conversation!!! :)

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