I mean, I am READY for this premiere. I have my TFIOS preparedness kit, my TFIOS t-shirt, and my two copies of TFIOS (the unsigned version of which I am currently rereading). We're getting dinner beforehand, and I know it's going to be a fantastic night.
But I'm also feeling a bit sad.
For years, I've loved being apart of the nerdfighter community. John and Hank's videos never cease to be inspiring or educational or happy-making (if that isn't a word, it is now). And John's books have affected me in ways that are very personal- personal enough that I wouldn't go into detail with my best friends, let alone with a bloggy audience (no matter how much I love you guys, which is a lot).
And because I'm such a huge fan, I think it's AWESOME that John's books are getting so much attention (even if it lowers my chances of ever getting my copies of Paper Towns or Looking for Alaska signed). I mean, it's great that the nerdfighter community is growing and that more people will benefit from Hank and John's creativity and wisdom. But, this is also where the sadness comes in.
There's a quote in The Fault in our Stars, where Hazel talks about her favorite book, An Imperial Affliction. She says, "Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are book which you can't tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal.” I've never felt as though John Green's books, or my love for them, were some kind of secret only I knew about, but they were somewhat personal. At its least personal, it was a shared love among a small group of my closest friends, and a cool, quirky internet community.
But now, John's books and vlogbrothers are bigger and it feels a little less mine. I realize how selfish that sounds, and so I just want to clarify that I don't mean new fans aren't welcome- new fans are GREAT!
It just feels like I'm losing something, or maybe that's just change. Or maybe I've eaten too much chocolate and I'm rereading TFIOS and I'm graduating high school and I just have all these FEELINGS and don't know what to do with them so I'm melodramatically channeling them towards this premiere.
Anyway. I am more than excited to go to the movie and I'm thrilled for John and all of his well-deserved success and I'm overjoyed that so many people will get to appreciate this beautiful, wonderful, touching story.
But like with any change, it's all a bit melancholy.